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Daddy’s Girl

April 22, 2022 by Lisa M. Hendey 11 Comments

Lisa with her younger sister and parents, circa 1967

It’s been quiet around here for the past month.

When I logged in today to try to break my silence with just a bit of blogging, tears splashed across my keyboard and I had to again step away for a while. Those of you who journey with me on social media will understand that the death of Daddy, on March 29, has precipitated this unofficial “blog break” and my almost total absence from my normal social media circles. I’ve had very little to say, and nothing that could be said well.

But it’s time to get “back to work” (if that’s what this is), and I didn’t want to resume my normal posting of book and movie projects or sharing my own exciting book news without first sharing just a bit of what’s been going on with me personally. It’s interesting to me that I used to do tons of that – the kind of straight from the gut personal blog sharing that so scares me these days. Instead, I share about other people’s work because it feels safe, positive, and uplifting. My own world has of late felt too dark to discuss openly.

And perhaps that’s been my mistake. It occurs to me that much of what I hate about our online world these days is the fact that we tend to hide behind veneers of falsehood, filters of fakeness. But perhaps if I avoid sharing my voice in these times when the sadness and hopelessness overcome me, I am doing a disservice too.

So here I am today, checking in.

Daddy passed peacefully to heaven on the afternoon of March 29. I was fortunate to be at his side that day and the days preceding it, sitting with my sister Erin (pictured above) as he journeyed toward heaven. Another hospice room. Another parent. The pain of Mom’s passing on April 29 of last year still feels so fresh and tangible. I realized as we watched Daddy’s dying process unfold that the signs and symptoms felt so familiar to me, having just done this with Mom for just about the same amount of time following her long battle with Parkinson’s.

Hadn’t I just been wiping her dry lips, counting her breaths per minute, reciting countless Rosaries, singing her favorite songs, and trusting God’s perfect timing? Hadn’t that just happened? How had almost a year passed in a blur of redeye flights across the country to eke out as much time with him as possible? How had his probable diagnosis of Lewy Body dementia (we’ll really never know…) caused him to go from vibrant at Mom’s funeral to so unwell just a month later? How? Why?

And had I done enough for both of them?

Those are the thoughts and questions that have been ringing around my soul for the last month, especially that last one. My therapist often asks me, “Did you do your best?” Too often, my “Yes, but…” response to that question has kept me from the healing and peace I so desperately seek.

Daddy will be memorialized at a private family funeral Mass on May 7. That day, we will lay our parents’ remains together in a lovely resting place at my alma mater, the University of Notre Dame. Daddy always longed to go to school there. His personal dream became a reality for his three daughters, and we all found our wonderful husbands under the shadow of Our Lady’s loving gaze from atop the Golden Dome. To see Mom and Daddy settled in Cedar Grove Cemetery with a view of the football stadium on one side and the golf course on the other will feel fitting and right, perhaps like I’ve done my best for them this one last time.

Our parents’ greatest gift to us, their five children, was their abiding and tremendous love for one another and for us. It’s time for me to begin again to learn how to live that legacy in my own home, and perhaps beyond it. It’s time to set aside the pain, the worries, the dreads, and the brokenness of several years of long-distance caretaking and to move on to whatever my new normal will be. I guess that starts with putting a few words down here, even if they make no sense to anyone but me. I thank those of you who have walked this journey alongside us, who have sent cards and prayers and texts and so, so much compassion. Our family is like yours, real in its fragility, but also in its hope.

I am still praying about what will come next for me personally and with my writing. May I ask you to keep that in your hearts too, that I will do my best with whatever is to come next? A large part of me has felt compelled to just go quietly away, to silence my voice, and to work more diligently to serve in different ways and to listen to others. That very well may be the course I end up taking. But I know myself well enough to feel certain that now is not the time for big decisions or proclamations. Now is a time for rest, for trust, for quiet, for reflection, and for gratitude.

For today, there are these words.

For today, I’ve done my best…

I love you, Mom and Daddy.

Related

Filed Under: Story, Walk Tagged With: Daddy, Death and Dying, Family

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Barb says

    April 23, 2022 at 4:08 am

    Weeping along with you here. You have poured yourself into caregiving and accompanying your parents on their final journeys just as you poured yourself into being a wife and a mom and then a mentor for so many other moms and then so many other writers. Maybe in this season it’s time to let yourself be filled up again.
    “The measure with which you measure will be measured out to you, packed together, shaken down, and flowing over.”
    Praying with you!

  2. Kelly Guest says

    April 23, 2022 at 4:25 am

    Prayers, Lisa, for your consolations. Prayers for guidance going in to your future. God is pleased with our best effort, and no one can ask anymore from us. Continue to feel all our love and prayers. We will continue to support you in whatever God calls you to next.

  3. Bego says

    April 23, 2022 at 5:53 am

    ??

  4. Lisa M. Hendey says

    April 23, 2022 at 7:59 am

    Thank you for your prayers, Kelly. They are a gift.

  5. Lisa M. Hendey says

    April 23, 2022 at 8:00 am

    Oh, Barb… thank you, dear friend.

  6. Gwen says

    April 23, 2022 at 1:57 pm

    My sincere sympathy, Lisa! As you may remember, my son died 12.16.19 at the Mayo Clinic at the age of 35, and that pain and heartbreak will be there the rest of my earthly life. I know how raw your emotions and feelings are, and you must grieve however YOU need to. No one else knows exactly what you’re experiencing because even your four other siblings had different relationships with your Dad, but know that it does get easier with time when a parent dies. Both of mine have died as well. (They did not “pass away” and you did not “lose” them – they died – and we have to learn to live without them in this life). Since your parents died before you, it is more natural and you will feel better in time. I know that you are still grieving your mother as well, since it’s only been one year, but in time, you will find comfort in recalling all the happy, wonderful times and wonderful things they taught you, and your siblings, and those memories will bring comfort – in time. I will offer up my Eucharist for your Dad tonight at Mass, as well as for my beloved son, and don’t forget to have Masses said for your parents – birthdays, wedding date, etc. It’s so awesome that we are so blessed to have these offerings for our beloved deceased in our Catholic Church. May Our Lady bring peace and comfort to you. +JMJ_+

  7. Lisa M. Hendey says

    April 23, 2022 at 7:02 pm

    Thank you for your prayers, Gwen. I’m truly grateful.

  8. Kelly Wahlquist says

    April 23, 2022 at 8:26 pm

    Oh, my sweet sister in Christ, my heart hurts for you. Thank you for sharing your journey, and be assured of my prayers this evening and in a special way tomorrow on Divine Mercy Sunday. Your parents did a beautiful job in raising such a wonderful woman who in turn has raised so many to a new and profound level in their relationship with the Lord. Tomorrow during Mass, I will personally thank them!

  9. Lisa M. Hendey says

    April 24, 2022 at 8:25 am

    Thank you, Kelly. I’m so grateful for your kindness, love and support.

  10. Patrice Fagnant MacArthur says

    April 25, 2022 at 8:26 am

    What a hard year this has been for you and your family. Keeping you in prayer daily.

  11. Lisa M. Hendey says

    April 25, 2022 at 9:06 am

    Thank you, Patrice. You are such a good friend!

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